thebibliosphere:

splinteredstar:

thebibliosphere:

One of the things that really gets to me on any of my positivity posts that get vaguely popular, is the sheer number of people deriding it for false optimism and wishy washy sentiment.

Simple statements like “hang in there, it gets better” are met with comments like “does it though, does it really” and things like “yea maybe if you’re neurotypical”, and here’s the thing: yes the fuck it does, and I’m sorry that you can’t see that right now, but please don’t assume that just because I’m not drowning in active nihilism, doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

I’m not spouting false platitudes. I’m not trying to undermine your depression. What I am doing is trying to circumvent my own depression and suicidal thoughts by not giving them a foothold.

You don’t know this, but my own internal soundtrack is pretty bleak. The words “I want to die” float across my brain pretty often. It’s not even a conscious thought, it’s just there, like background noise in a cacophony of all the other shit that’d tear me apart if I’d let it.

I’m a chronically ill being with mental health issues, a worsening pain disorder and a history of childhood trauma.

So yes, I do understand what you’re feeling in context. I understand the maw of bleakness where life ought to be.

But I also understand that in order to get better you have to challenge it.

I don’t make jokes about suicide. I don’t jokingly say things like “I want to die”, because it is a slippery slope towards validating what my illness wants me to believe. So I take steps, not to avoid it because I cant avoid it, but to adjust my way of thinking.

And I do this, by telling myself out loud over and over, that it gets better. One day at a time, every day I’m still alive is a good day.

And fuck you for trying to take that from me. Hope is a survival mechanism. It keeps us going when there’s nothing else left. And sometimes we have to create our own.

Get help. I’m serious. Get the help you need and deserve, because that desire to convince others the world is dark and awful? It’s not healthy. And it’s not the only way life has to be.

You deserve to get better. Start telling yourself that. Every day for the rest of your life if you have to. And if you can’t tell yourself that right now, I’m here to do it for you.

You deserve better. And I hope one day you’ll see that.

I mean, for me, what’s important is – acknowledging the feelings that I have, not the ones I feel like I’m supposed to have? Like. I grew up in the “if you’re not happy all of the time then you’re disappointing God” area of things. And sometimes the positivity (not yours, joy, but ya know) can feel that way – that you’re letting yourself down. So I’m in pain and now its my own fault for not smiling? And all.

So for me it’s necessary and healthy to say “yes I feel like shit today, yes my brain is full of angry weasels, yes i want to die sometimes.” And for that to not be a moral failing, ya know?

And then I look at the emotion, admit it, and sort of go “that is not a helpful response, so here’s what we’re going to do instead.” I basically pull a nick fury on them – “I acknowledge that my brain has made a decision, but…..”

Idk bibliomum, maybe that’s what you were getting at.

What you’re describing isn’t despair or nihilism, nor is it negative. It’s acknowledging your emotions and working through them.

It’s a profoundly important part of recovery.

What is not part of recovery is stopping short at “I want to die” which is what so many fucking people post on my posts.

Someone this morning literally left the message “cool story OP but I still want to die” Yea? Well guess what, me too. But I acknowledge it’s not a healthy thought and I make steps to work through my shit, instead of attempting to undermine the recovery of others. And tumblr has such a toxic mentality towards recovery. It’s almost like if you dare to get better, you weren’t sick to begin with, and that is adamantly not true.

Recovering from mental health issues is hard, ugly work that requires active participation and regular intervention to keep going. But it is possible, and it’s important to remember that what looks like recovery for some is still illness to others, but you take what you can. I will likely never not be depressed. I will likely always have that part of my brain that wants me to jump. But I can learn to better live with it so it doesn’t win. And live is the key word there.