Tag: caitlin gets deep

To the previous tenants of 267 Hubert Road

I know probably none of you will ever see this. Lana, Shamira, Luke: I’m sorry.

I just watched the most recent episode of the good place and the inkling I had already grew into a fully formed understanding. I’m Eleanor. Or worse. In terrible ways. In ways like I didn’t even realise there was need for a ‘fork off Caitlin’ sign. In ways like you guys were the first group I chose to have form part of my self identity. Our group was so important to me and I privileged what I thought were actions that would keep us all together and happy and in harmony over things that I deep down thought were needed. I didn’t want to cause pain by mentioning anything though I very much did want to discuss what would happen moving forward – I wrote a very long letter that included suggestions for how to put in place boundaries, and hearing how you said I violated you Lana I am sorry I did not give you the letter at the time- , and in doing so it turns out I inadvertently did cause pain.

I am sorry I brought my mess and traumas that I wasn’t even aware I had. I hope I didn’t cause permanent damage. I am sorry that I have this need to explain myself and get my voice heard but I don’t really know where to begin because three years of friendship is a lot. I want you to know that I tried everything I could think of, apart from talking about it to anyone even slightly involved bc of fear. I don’t say this to bring more pain, but to add clarity. Hopefully. I saw my therapist, I tried squashing and killing feelings and hopes attached to them. I tried pretending everything was normal, as if nothing had ever happened, because I thought that was the thing that would cause least discomfort. I had no idea that you guys could see me (literally until I spoke to Penny right at the end of third year did she decide to tell me probably all my housemates would be aware of it) and I am upset and sometimes angry that no one confronted me. I was isolated in a shame of secrecy, fear, and judgement, and I did not take any of it lightly nor do I want you to think I dismissed your feelings, Lana. I didn’t. I never genuinely believed you had feelings in return for me, I had small hopes and I needed them at the time and when I said some distant future I was speaking out of line. And speaking to shamira and trying to be vague and not sure how shamira would respond to my admission so wanted to put it in a positive light. You were never meant to see that. I never wanted to disgust you. I didn’t want to be a fuckboy. Friendship with you was a privilege I didn’t need and didn’t want to imply any kind of expectation for you to return the feelings, I just knew I couldn’t kill mine because I’d tried so damn hard for months and months and months and it was killing me so I ended up deciding to embrace the existence of the feelings because at least then I didn’t hate myself. You didn’t lead me on, I didn’t want to fuck you up. I was so lost and inexperienced in handling anything like this and so alone and I messed up. I did. I messed up really terribly but at the time it was the only way I could find. I was stuck trying to fight my internalised homophobia which was telling me that I should be ashamed of having feelings for a woman, with my very real need to squash and kill those feelings not out of shame but out of necessity because they might cause such a split as this and because they weren’t returned. And killing feelings is extremely difficult when the person those feelings are for is around and is presumably themselves. Knowing that you were hiding as much as I was and clearly were better at it hurts so much, maybe you weren’t ever genuinely you around me because you were hiding so much? In which case the person I loved never existed.

It has me trawling through all my memories and thinking the worst of things and for example when you said in that last message that you told me things that you didn’t want to keep from me, I’m confused what that was about? Did you even mean it when you were comforting me through the suicidal night? Was I forcing my mess on you then? There’s an endless list of questions, did we even have good times? I thought you were oblivious. And then I thought around November last year that you started something romancey. Because you asked me about my ideas of romance and well I misinterpreted a lot of things and that’s not entirely your fault nor entirely mine. It’s messy. This isn’t clear cut which makes trying to understand anything so damn confusing! And it shows a lot of how fucked up my ideas of what love is have been from the ways I’ve internalised what love is from the idea that god = love. I.e the omnipotent, the insecure and jealous and performative god, I thought that was how to express love. And forgiveness, I’d been told the only people who’d forgive me would be Christians, and then Lana did right before the end of first year, and then I went back to church life and realised I now distrusted and would not be forgiven by any of the Christians there because of my gayness. So I was left with an ‘only Christians’ rule that was then added to with ‘and lana’ and then the ‘only Christians’ was removed. It’s a real fuck up. I thought the way you were towards me and the way we were together and spending lots of time together and being really honest and trusting about issues while hiding the pain of inner turmoils of emotions was what loving and being loved felt like. I’m sorry I wasn’t more aware and so more considerate of the possible emotional and physical affection boundaries. I was wrong and that’s such a raw vulnerable thing to process. That the very concept of what being loved and cared for is like is so different to what I understood it as. I want to throw up.

However you feel as a result of all this is totally valid and I acknowledge that and am sorry for that. I didn’t want you to hurt. The feelings, and keeping them from the wider knowledge of the house, was my problem and I was dealing with it best as I could. It’s so humiliating and exposing and upsetting to know that I wasn’t successful in keeping it quiet and in being safe and comfortable to be around. And that my paranoia was in fact right, and that I considered it heresy to believe any of you would let me carry on if you knew how I was or saw what I was going through. Heresy. It hurts me so much knowing that all the hurt I had from trying not to make you uncomfortable still wasn’t enough. I accept my responsibility and I accept that I was and still am an unhealthy trash bag in a lot of ways. I hope some of the friendship was real though. I keep thinking about it and all my memories are in this weird cognitive dissonance. I am so confused over if I should think you all were mocking me for at least two years and were never real with me and none of the comfort I received nor the fun times we had and none of my statements of how close and important the group’s friendship was to me, were real. I am doubting everything. Was I just this burden for you all to try and get on with because we’d already agreed to live together? Was I just used for my meerkat movies tickets and my listening ears? Was I really just an ego-boost to you? I don’t know if I should hate you guys for betraying me or if I’m the villain or if I’m oversimplifying everything. I think probably we were all flawed individuals trying to navigate lots of new and difficult situations and dynamics and we all made mistakes along the way and maybe none of us succeeded in our aims, be they to not lead me on, to not make Lana uncomfortable, to idk what else. But we all tried, that’s important I think. It’s a shame that it didn’t work out for a continuing friendship, but we tried to keep it while we were living together. I’m grateful for that.

I’m sorry. I am so sorry and it feels like it’s all my fault that I have lost all of you and I don’t know if I should reassess and reflect and discover that none of you were ever truly my friends, or if I should mourn the necessary split. I know whatever goes from here there’s a distance and separation needed, hence all the blocking. I’m not trying to argue that. It does feel like there’s a very clear loser in this scenario and it’s me. Because I don’t have any of you as friends anymore. That’s heartbreaking. Really. Far more than the romance not being returned, which I really don’t have the heart to go into now. Theres just a lot of grief particularly because it seems to have all boiled down to either destroy the feelings or destroy the friendship. And I failed in the former so I caused the latter. And it’s only me. It’s only me that got cut off from the group.

I am so sorry and I still can’t find all the words and I still can’t understand what was going on friendliness wise and whether you all were just putting up with living with me while I was sharing some of my vulnerability, and it all hurts. But I’m with a therapist again, I do trust lots of other people and I have been most of summer tbh, but I didn’t tell you all that and well maybe none of you want to know anyway. I am sorry this is addressed to two possible versions of you all and I can’t make up my mind which I want to believe. I have my lovely Tuesday group friends and I have Ally and Harry and Puja and Ellen and a few others too. And I trust my mum and dad and brother finally. Had a really good honest chat with them and I even made amends properly with my granny. I am going to become an Honorary Research Associate for the history department at uni and do more research projects with my time until next academic year and my MA can start. I have a good life ahead of me and I value the part that you all had in it and I accept that is in the past and I will grow and learn and work through the traumas and become a better healthier person and there are going to be some really great people who will enjoy that version of me. I am sorry I couldn’t be that version of me for you guys. I honestly hope you all have fantastic lives and I know you will. You have my absolute best wishes, regardless of whether the friendship was ever genuine on your sides, it was real for me and I did genuinely care about all of you. You truly did make the university experience spectacular. If all the memories you have with me in them are actually shitty for you, I’m sorry and I wish you success in erasing my existence from your minds. I won’t know if you’ve ever read this and probably that’s best, but I’m sending my care and best wishes into the void and hoping they float to you all.

Caitlin.

nonbinarysaavik:

theladytrickster:

nonbinarysaavik:

do you guys wanna hear one of the saddest spirk headcanons i have

no but proceed anyway

so on away missions, kirk would often bring over flowers hes picked or little things he thought interesting enough to show to spock. sometimes he’d have spock hold onto his little souveniers (and promptly forget about them). spock would not forget, however. he had no use for them (often times the flowers were duplicates from samples he’d already collected and examined,) but they were too important to simply throw away because jim seemed fond of them and he asked him to hold them.

he’d press the flowers and oddly-shaped leaves, etc. in a book and note the star-date they were collected, the name of the planet, the coordinates, and the reason jim gave each sample to him (e.g., “smelled pretty” or “shaped like fran drescher”) underneath each one, cataloguing all of jim’s “treasures” in his own scientific way.

strangely, spock found himself pleased to add a new page, and stranger still, he found himself dreading the end of the book. he was very fond of it, and though he would never admit it, perhaps over the years it was the most precious thing he owned.

–

when spock learned of kirk’s decision to accept the promotion to admiral, he was deeply hurt to know they would likely never stand on the bridge of a starship together again.

spock doesn’t tell kirk of his decision to leave starfleet and return to initiate kolinahr on vulcan. instead, he leaves the book at the door of his apartment just before leaving for his shuttle. the treasures do belong to him, after all.

when kirk finds it and realizes what it is and what it means, it breaks him, and when he reads the inscription on the inside of the front cover:
“The following samples have no scientific relevance or importance.” he literally can’t hold back the sobs.
they have no scientific importance and yet he obviously kept them preserved so carefully, so lovingly. so very spock.

kirk realizes, after sobbing for hours with the book on his lap like if he took another look inside it would burn him, that he loves him. and that he’s gone.

captainharkness:

idk i guess there’s just such an emphasis on nonbinaryism to be performative, like you’ve got to look androgynous with short hair and pink lipstick, skinny enough that if you have boobs, no one can see them. all your clothes have to be gender ambiguous and the way you talk and your hobbies, like…

gender roles and conditioning suck for cis people, but if you identify as agender, or nonbinary, or fluid, you have to encompass all of those cliches and tropes while also being completely indistinguishable from either male or female

i had half a breakdown over the fact my hair was getting too long and it’s a bit more “””feminine””” and i thought i should cut it even though i like the length and i just… why

if you’re nonbinary and you present heavily as male or female, you’re still nonbinary. there’s no such thing as “not trans enough”, “not nb enough”, short of wearing a t-shirt with “i’m not cis” there are no clothes that determine your gender, no hair style, no “”””look””””” and tbh cis members of the lgbt+ community i’m looking at ya’ll to reblog this because you’re the first to call us attention seekers in my experience smh

bairnsidhe:

owlsofstarlight:

paintmeahero:

symmetraismygf:

the athiesm of women/people of color/lgbt people is absolutely different than the athiesm of cishet white men and i feel like people forget that a lot

how?

Don’t have spoons for long explanation – also this is only speaking for christianity – but religion has been a force of oppression for women, people of color, and lgbt+ people and the rejection of the religion is often coupled with the rejection of how religion treats them.

I’ll also say that abuse survivors are included in this because it is a reaction to and an attempt to reconcile how (christian) god would allow abuse to happen.

For straight white men atheism is usually rooted in intellectual and rational superiority complexes. It’s a “i am more rational and intelligent than you, how can you believe in something so obviously fake” thing as opposed to a reaction to a societal institution that upholds their oppression and abuse.

Women, PoC, Queer people, immigrants, trauma survivors, etc:  How can I believe in something that teaches you to be cruel?  How can I trust the books that tell me of peace and love, when you use your faith to hurt me?  How can a loving god allow [insert injustice of the day]?

White Men: I, as an Intellectual, eschew silly superstitions that say I might, someday, after my death, face one (1) single consequence.

wlwaffle:

to my fellow 1996 kids,,, does it ever occur to you that today’s 31 year olds are only 10 years older than you and you’re no longer half (or less) their age

and that you’re closer to 30 than 10

and that were closer to 2030 than we are to 2000

and that, with the end of last year, we’re literally all 21 and adults

tallteal:

micaxiii:

thelongestpuzzle:

pfdiva:

marzipanandminutiae:

the thing about millennials who don’t want kids is I feel like a lot of them are deeply On Board for their friends’ kids

like I’m among the minority of my friends in definitely for sure wanting kids someday

but each of my parenthood-eschewing friends has claimed a different role in my future offspring’s life and they seem very excited to play it

so we as a generation may have fewer children

but I feel like they’ll be the most supported and loved children imaginable

As a millennial who doesn’t want children, I am seconding this, because it’s not like we don’t want children to exist in the world!  We do!  Children can be lovely and amazing and they are literally our future!  It’s just So Very Difficult to raise children in our nuclear-family society, especially as a millennial, and you want to do the job RIGHT.

Well, if you can’t do the job right yourself, the least you can do is help a friend raise THEIR child right, help take the burden off their shoulders, and give that kid all the love and attention they can stand.

I’d be damned excited to do that, too.

this generation is so excited and ready to be weird uncle/aunt so-and-so

I hope this generation makes communal families a thing again and this time it won’t be treated like a “taboo hippie thing”

Takes a village to raise a kid